sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything

I'm not happy

But I keep smiling and pretending like I am

I can't hurt you

If you only knew my secret thoughts...

I dream all day of leaving you.

Not because I don't love you,

No. I love you more than anything.

I will never love another.

I just miss the independence.

When you're single, you can do what you want

And never have to think of anyone else.

Maybe I am just selfish...

Or maybe I really just need some time alone

Time to myself

To discover who I really am.

I lost myself in you

And now I can't get out

I've become someone I don't think I am...
I'm defined partly by you,

I wish I could be nothing more than me.

I want to know what it's like to be on my own.

To make decisions that affect no one but myself.

I'm tired of having to think of how everything I do

Affects you too.

I don't want to be a "we"

I want to be just "me" again...

But I can't lose you,

I don't want to ever be without you...

I just can't decide who I need more,

You or me.

Midnight.

One.

Two.

The clock ticks the hours away,

Once again I'm up too late

My mind's on things it shouldn't be

How things used to be...

You and me,

Together,

Was it all a mistake?

Did I make

The right choice?

Sometimes I wonder...

Oh, don't get me wrong

I'm happy where I am right now

In life.

Happier with him, probably, then you have ever made me.

But is it happiness that matters?

Or is happiness an emotion

That runs shallow?

Easy to come by,

Gone as quickly as it came.

This feeling deep inside,

This one that twists its way through my body,

My soul,

Entwining itself with my life, my entire being,

This is not happiness,

But it makes me happy to feel it.

Do I feel it for him?

Yes...

Mostly...

Do I feel it for you?

Always.

Always have, always will.

I know that now.

After trying to sever myself from you

And failing,

I know it's impossible.
You are meant to be in my life...

But is this how we are meant to be?

Friends...with a history?

Left with mostly memories,

So old, now, they are blurred around the edges...

Kissing you felt like a dream,

Now I wonder if it was ever more than that...

Just a dream.

Like this dream I have of us,

Growing old together.

A part of me knows this is our destiny.

Another part of me laughs at this absurd desire,

The greater part.

We are not meant to be.

Not in this life.

Maybe in lives past,

Or in lives to come.

Maybe in some alternate universe.

But not here.

Not now.

My future has been chosen.
I will stay with him,

Til death do us part.

Do I love him?

Yes.

More than I ever loved you.

More than I ever will love you.

I never loved you.

But that part of me still wants to...

So recently I've been very confused about Ethan and how I feel about him and everything. I mean yeah, he's my boyfriend and I like him but I wasn't sure how much or if I should really even be in a relationship with him this soon. But then today I went to his house for almost 5 hours and we had an amazing time. We spent some time alone in his room, but we also built a fire in his backyard and roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. And I had the best time I've ever had with him. And I realized just how much I like him. How long does it take after you start seeing someone before you start falling in love with them? Because I'm not in love, but I know I definitely could be eventually. With him. I can't get him out of my head, and it's not just the kissing and stuff, I love just listening to him talk and watching him do anything and feeling his arms around me and seeing his smile and hearing his voice and his laugh and just everything about him seems so incredible. It's like when you find a new flavor of something that you've never tasted before. Or maybe you have tasted it, you just didn't realize how wonderful it was until now. And now you crave it constantly and you just can't get enough of it... There's never been anyone in my life I felt this way about, the way I want to know every single thing about him. And how he's completely different than how I thought he was, but in a good way. Like when he says or does little things, I notice them and I just keep being amazed at him and at how real he really is. I know it sounds weird, but until you know someone they don't seem as real. I don't know, I guess I can't describe how I feel about him. I just hope that it lasts. And grows stronger. Because I've never felt something as great as this and nothing has ever made me happier than being with him. I just need the courage to open up and let him in instead of pushing him away like I have every other guy. I really don't think it will be a problem though, especially not after the amazing time we had today :-) Well I guess I should go, goodnight, everyone!

 

love, me

Wow I haven't written in a while! Well I have a boyfriend now :-) I started hanging out with Ethan, and a few weeks after we started seeing each other he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. But the thing is, I'm still not sure about this whole thing. Not the fact of him, I like him a lot. It's just... I don't know. He seems like he likes me a lot. Like a lot. If we hang out, he tells me later that day that he misses me. But is that really what a relationship is like? Are you supposed to miss someone when you're not with them, even if you just saw them an hour or 2 ago? Oh and the other day I was at his house and we were kissing and he said we can't just kiss if we don't want this relationship to be purely physical, but I don't know what else to do. It's just that no one's ever cared for me like this before, I'm just used to being used. And I'm scared he'll just get bored of me like everyone else has. I guess I'm just hesitant to get into something so serious because I know I could get hurt... again. But that's what a relationship is right? Taking the risk that you might get hurt? I just have to be more open I guess. I just always end up either getting hurt or pushing someone away to avoid getting hurt and I really don't want that to happen. I don't know, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I just have a lot that I'm confused about I guess. But I really do like him so I'm sure everything will be fine once I get used to the changes.

Yesterday we went on a Physics field trip to Kennywood and to a Pirates game, it was tons of fun. None of my friends went so I hung out with Jason and 3 other guys. Me and Jason were together a lot and right now I'm feeling really confused about everything with him. Let me tell the story.... So in the morning I got on the bus and sat down in a seat and I was all by myself. Then Jason got on a few minutes later and he sat with me. On the way to Pittsburgh he had his hand between his and my leg and was kind of rubbing my leg with his thumb. But I didn't want to hold his hand because I didn't want to be really easy for him, I'd rather have him work for me. He's such a player he's used to getting girls to be all over him, I wanted to be different. Anyways, I finally gave in and slipped my hand into his and we started holding hands. It was amazing, I've never been so turned on by just holding hands. I really don't know how to describe it except it was like hand sex, if that makes any sense. Like we were stroking and squeezing and I don't know... it was just really awesome. So I was kind of turned on a lot of the way down, and it was really nice, I haven't been turned on by a guy in a while so I enjoyed it. At the park I had a lot of fun. A lot during the day he would touch me or hold my hand a little and stuff like that, so that was cute. Then we rode this one ride, it's like an inverted ferris wheel. You sit in it and it starts spinning around in a circle like you're on a merry-go-round except you're in a closed car. Then they start turning on their side and the whole wheel tilts until it's vertical. Me and Jason rode that together, I sat in front of him, like in between his legs with my back to him. He had his hands on my hips and I was leaning back against him. When the ride started moving gravity pressed me back into him pretty hard and the motion of the ride rocked us back and forth and it made me think of sex. I was so turned on... We kissed a little on the ride, just a short kiss, but it was still really cute. So the rest of the day in the park was the same, with the touching and stuff. Then at the game I sat beside him and we had a ton of fun. On the bus ride home I sat beside him too. We were holding hands and he had his hoodie on his lap so I started stroking his leg under his hoodie. I really only meant to touch his leg, honestly I had no intentions whatsoever of moving my hand... elsewhere... but as I was stroking his thigh I felt that his pants weren't touching his leg, like there was a space, and I realized he had a boner, and it really turned me on and I just had to touch it... So yeah, I know I'm bad. I moved my hand onto it and started stroking it and then he moved his hand onto mine and squeezed my fingers around it and I was so turned on I thought I would explode. So with his hand on mine I moved it up and down and sort of squeezed at times and then he moved my hand off of it and kind of shifted his position and I'm pretty sure he just didn't want to come. Because that would have been messy and embarrassing. So we just held hands and I kind of dozed off for a little. Then we were both awake later and he put his arm around me and pulled me into him and let's see if I can describe it. I was on his left side and he had his left arm around me on my hip. My knees were on the seat in front of me and my head was on his shoulder/chest. I was holding his right hand with one of my hands, sometimes it switched. Then I moved my right hand back onto his leg and moved it down to his penis again, and I felt him go hard right under my hand. I almost lost control, it was so hot. So I just started doing what I was doing before, pretty much giving him a hand job through his jeans. And it was so awesome because I had my head on his chest with my eyes closed, so to anyone else it looked like we were just sleeping. Which is funny. So yeah, then he had to move my hand away again and he shifted and then he put on his hoodie and when he moved it off his lap I could totally see his boner, it was funny. The rest of the ride home we were good though. When we got back to the school he and I walked back to the parking lot and he gave me a hug goodbye and said he'd talk to me later. But the way he said it wasn't like people normally say it, it actually sounded like when people have something they want to talk to you about. But I haven't talked to him at all today so I don't know. Oh well, I'm not even really sure if I want to talk to him. When I was driving home all I could think was, "I feel like such a whore" and I still sort of feel that way. I still haven't told Kathryn anything and I really don't think I'm going to. She'd be really mad I think. So yeah, that was it. I don't know whether I like him or not, but I don't think I do. I think it's mainly physical. As of right now, all I want to do is make out with him.We haven't really kissed very much and I think it would be a lot of fun. He's probably an amazing kisser and I can't wait to find out. And I know I will, there's no way this thing is over. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Well, night everyone!

♥me

Ugh, Jason wants to "hang out" whatever that means. Knowing him it translates to "make out and then not talk ever again" lol. But yeah, he texts me today and is like "So i had a lot of fun with you on saturday. If it were up to me i'd say we should hang out sometime. What do you think?" and I just replied that we would hang out on friday and after that we'd see. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I like the attention, and I really like kissing guys, but I'm not sure how much of a mistake this would be. I don't like him, but what if I start liking him? And if Kathryn ever finds out she'll be so mad at me... oh well, I guess I'll just play it by ear and see what happens. Although, knowing me and knowing him... a lot could happen....