sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key, sing me anything
I'm not happy
But I keep smiling and pretending like I am
I can't hurt you
If you only knew my secret thoughts...
I dream all day of leaving you.
Not because I don't love you,
No. I love you more than anything.
I will never love another.
I just miss the independence.
When you're single, you can do what you want
And never have to think of anyone else.
Maybe I am just selfish...
Or maybe I really just need some time alone
Time to myself
To discover who I really am.
I lost myself in you
And now I can't get out
I've become someone I don't think I am...
I'm defined partly by you,
I wish I could be nothing more than me.
I want to know what it's like to be on my own.
To make decisions that affect no one but myself.
I'm tired of having to think of how everything I do
Affects you too.
I don't want to be a "we"
I want to be just "me" again...
But I can't lose you,
I don't want to ever be without you...
I just can't decide who I need more,
You or me.
Midnight.
One.
Two.
The clock ticks the hours away,
Once again I'm up too late
My mind's on things it shouldn't be
How things used to be...
You and me,
Together,
Was it all a mistake?
Did I make
The right choice?
Sometimes I wonder...
Oh, don't get me wrong
I'm happy where I am right now
In life.
Happier with him, probably, then you have ever made me.
But is it happiness that matters?
Or is happiness an emotion
That runs shallow?
Easy to come by,
Gone as quickly as it came.
This feeling deep inside,
This one that twists its way through my body,
My soul,
Entwining itself with my life, my entire being,
This is not happiness,
But it makes me happy to feel it.
Do I feel it for him?
Yes...
Mostly...
Do I feel it for you?
Always.
Always have, always will.
I know that now.
After trying to sever myself from you
And failing,
I know it's impossible.
You are meant to be in my life...
But is this how we are meant to be?
Friends...with a history?
Left with mostly memories,
So old, now, they are blurred around the edges...
Kissing you felt like a dream,
Now I wonder if it was ever more than that...
Just a dream.
Like this dream I have of us,
Growing old together.
A part of me knows this is our destiny.
Another part of me laughs at this absurd desire,
The greater part.
We are not meant to be.
Not in this life.
Maybe in lives past,
Or in lives to come.
Maybe in some alternate universe.
But not here.
Not now.
My future has been chosen.
I will stay with him,
Til death do us part.
Do I love him?
Yes.
More than I ever loved you.
More than I ever will love you.
I never loved you.
But that part of me still wants to...
I hate feeling two conflicting things at once. Anger and disappointment in you, then shame and guilt in myself for feeling that way, for wanting to hurt you. The sound of your voice when I hurt you always makes me cry. Silent tears you can't see because we're on the phone. It's the same every night. We talk on the phone for a while, then you decide you're tired and need to go to sleep. But I hate to say goodbye...every goodbye tears me apart even more. I truly can't stand it, I am about to snap. I get closer and closer to it each night that passes. You don't suspect a thing. You have no idea how I feel. I feel so alone all the time, you are all I have. You are the most important thing in the world to me. You say the same about me, but you don't mean it the same way I do. You don't feel it the same way I do. You can't. You haven't been through the things I have gone through. You haven't been through anything. You have the rest of the things in your life to hold you from day to day. Friends, family, the activities in your busy life....I have nothing. I fall apart with every second that passes away from you. But you don't see that...you can't see that...you fool yourself into thinking I am alright, even when I am the furthest thing from it. Or maybe you don't notice at all. Can you really not see the hurt in my eyes? The pain, the loneliness, the despair? Do I hide it that well? I wish I didn't have to hide it from you. But then I'd have to hurt you, and that is unacceptable....So my agony remains on the inside, only appearing in the form of anger late at night when I am tired and my defenses are down. Every night when you try to say goodbye to me on the phone, I panic. A million thoughts rush through my head, all centering around the one nagging sentence...He doesn't want me. Not now, not ever again....I know rationally it's not true. But who is rational so late at night? My fears cannot show themselves, that is weakness. So the next best thing comes out...anger. I lash out, I close up. 'Fine,' I say. 'Go to bed.' You give in and tell me we don't have to. 'No, I want to,' I reply icily, sarcastically. In my head I'm screaming at myself. In my head I tell myself you are tired, you are sick, you need the sleep, you don't really want to leave me. But will my mouth ever listen? If mouths were meant to listen, they'd be ears. The sadness in your voice tugs at my heart as you whisper goodnight and that you love me. I respond with a terse 'Ok.' And then you are gone....and the anger rushes through me and I want to throw the phone. Why is everything always centered around you? I wonder. Every night we go to bed when YOU are tired. We only kiss and such when YOU are in the mood. We only see each other when YOU can fit me in your schedule. We don't talk on the phone until YOU are in bed. We talk even when I am not done with my homework because YOU want to. When we have sex YOU always orgasm first and then of course we have to stop because YOU are already done. It seems like it's always you you YOU! Which is ok, I mean of course I love you and I love to make you happy. But don't I get to be happy too? I feel like our relationship is not as equal as it should be. I feel like my happiness and well being are sometimes compromised for your sake. I don't mind putting you first because I do love you, but all the time? Surely love is not so unfair. So back to the phone call....after you hang up, I always feel so many emotions. Guilty for being so terrible to you. Angry that you would actually hang up, without even seeming to care about my feelings. Upset about the things we both said. I know it seems like such a silly thing to be upset over, but it has been bothering me so much lately. I want to say something, but I do not want to hurt you...And so every night it's the same, you fall asleep and lay dreaming peacefully while I lie here in bed, tossing and turning, my emotions corroding my heart....
i was constructed for you and you were molded for me
she doesn't know how to get through each day. the minutes tick by so slowly and without the sound of your voice or the touch of your hand to guide her she is lost. every step is taken alone, every word spoken is empty, every smile hides a broken heart, a lonely soul. her life fell apart the day she had to leave you, the day she left everyone she knew and the life she was comfortable living. everything had to change. she hardly knows who she is anymore without the people and places that once defined her. she is not strong enough to define herself. she is not as independent as you believe. she has you fooled into thinking she is getting along alright without you. but she isn't. she agonizes through every second of the day, feeling as though her entire self has been ripped in half. it's as though a part of her is missing. torn out and thrown away. she is not whole, not complete without you. the few hours she spends with you a week are what keep her going. they're what keep her moving from day to day. when she sees your smile, feels your arms around her and your body against hers, she feels the life come flooding back into her. she is alive, her heart and soul are set on fire. you bring her back to who she remembers being before everything changed. with you she knows who she is, who she is meant to be. she is yours, she was meant to be your other half.
flick the lights off, park the car,
quiet steps down the street,
tiptoe up the driveway,
moon shining, stars twinkling,
sneak in the back, down the stairs,
fall in your bed, in the darkness.
your fingers caress my cheek,
your lips find mine, your arms wrap around me,
you pull me closer, I melt into you...
soft touches, loving kisses, sweet somethings whispered,
I fall asleep in your arms to the lullaby falling from your lips...
the butterflies in my stomach they could bring me to my knees...
There is so much I wish I could say to you... but I know I can't, so I'm going to write it all down instead, just to get it off my chest. I really should be studying for my history test, but if I don't write this, I swear I'll go crazy just thinking about it all. So. We've definitely been through a lot together... I know we just met this past summer, but you've become a huge part of my life. I feel like you're one of my closest friends, and when I think of the future, you're always there. The thing is, though, the friend thing... I don't know how much longer it'll work out. Because I have a confession to make. I am absolutely in love with you. My entire life, I've wondered what love is and how it feels and why people sacrifice so much over this abstract idea. But now I understand. They always said you would know if you're in love with someone or not, but up until now there were a couple guys I wondered if I was in love with. When I was asked if I'd ever been in love, I would honestly not know what to say. But now I know that I was never in love before. No way. This, what I feel for you, this is love. I am so positive that it is truly love that those are the only words I can think all day. "I love you." I daydream scenarios of myself saying those words to you. Over and over and over again the scenes play through my head, and every single word you say to me or glance you throw my way assures me that I love you. You are the only thing I think about, the only one I want to be with. When I see you, I yearn to be in your arms and it is almost painful forcing myself to stay where I am. I feel like I understand you completely, and vice versa. We know everything there is to know about each other and we accept each other completely. I can be myself with you. You make me happier than I've been in a long time. The only thing is, I don't know how I didn't realize all this sooner. I think maybe I was scared. When you first told me you loved me, months ago in December, you unknowingly pushed me away. You were just so sure of your feelings, and it scared me. I couldn't believe such a feeling existed and I was reluctant to even begin to think I might feel the same. So we got into even more fights than we already had. Our fights were always about our feelings, did you notice that? We fought about the way that I felt for you and the way that you felt for me. And that's pretty much it. They were intense, the worst fights I think I've ever had with anyone. For days after them I couldn't concentrate on anything but the things you had said to me, and I never felt ok unless we made up. You have made me cry dozens of times, not on purpose I know, but you have. But despite that fact, you're still the one I want to comfort me when I do cry, even if you're the cause for my tears. Anyways, when you said you loved me, I know we stopped talking as much, and it's my fault. But you have to understand, it was a lot at once. Well, we started spending more time apart, and I missed you. Then at the end of January, I met someone new. He made me happy to be with, and so we went on a date or two. When you found out, you were furious. We got into the worst fight of my life and you told me you hated me. I cried myself to sleep for days. I couldn't concentrate on anything. Then the boy I'd been hanging out with asked me to be his girlfriend. Normally I would have said no and nothing would have come of it, but I was still mad at you and I wanted to hurt you for hurting me so I said yes. Don't get me wrong, I did like him, but it was definitely not a relationship I should have gotten into. At first he seemed nice, but his playful nudges started turning into more violent hits. He never full out hit me, but he was aggressive enough that I didn't doubt that he could someday. Then came the lies. When he spread a rumor that he and I had had sex, I immediately called you. You listened to me cry and told me everything would be ok. I think that was around the time I started realizing how much I missed you. Thoughts of you began coming back to me as we started talking more and more. I started realizing I felt more for you than I had previously thought that I did. Then the day came when I realized it. That I love you. I was talking with someone about colleges, and they asked me which I had applied to. I told them I was accepted at a local school as well as two in a bigger city about two hours south of home. When they asked which I wanted to go to, I replied the local school. Then they asked me why. And I thought about it. Why do I want to stay close to home? Immediately, you popped into my head. You will be a senior in high school next year, which means you'll still be here. I can bear the thought of leaving home, of leaving my family, of leaving my friends. But the thought I can't bear is leaving you. I want to go to a college close to home so that I can see you anytime I want. When I thought about that, that's when I began thinking I love you. About the next week, we met one day at a bookstore and spent a couple hours just talking. When it was time to leave, we hugged. No hug has ever meant more to me in my entire life. Being in your arms felt so right. I lost track of time as we just stood there in the parking lot, holding each other, never wanting to let go. I had to force myself to leave and I couldn't even look at you because I would be too tempted to kiss you. So we left, and those moments of being in your arms were so vivid in my mind for days. My boyfriend and I broke up, and now you're all I think about. We sat together today at lunch, doing a crossword. I had the book on my lap and you put one hand on the edge of it to see better. But in doing so, your hand rested on my leg, and your touch left me breathless. I couldn't think or breathe or feel anything but your hand. This Wednesday we are meeting again, and I am so scared of what will happen. Sure, we've kissed a few times before, but that was before all these feelings. I can't even imagine what it's like to kiss someone you love and if it's different than kissing someone else. Anyways, I know you still have your feelings for me. I think when we see each other I will tell you exactly how I feel. I've never told anyone I love them before, you will be the first. I'm so anxious and excited and nervous and happy all at the same time, just imaging what will happen. I just can't wait to see you again...
don't be so hard on youself
I barely even know you. And yet, something about you attracts me. Is it the careless, confident attitude you seem to have? Is it the way you talk? (You use vocabulary I don't even know sometimes.) Is it just the way you stare and stare at me, without caring whether I'm staring back or not? Is it the way that when we talk we have so much to say we just end up talking over each other? Is it your personality? Is it anything at all...?? I don't get it. What first made me notice you was the staring though. Whenever I glanced at you I could be sure you would be looking right back. That's something that hasn't changed. I feel like even when I look away you are still looking at me. How can you have that much strength to not look away when I catch you? How can you have no embarrassment at all? I see you as a person who is not afraid of feelings, not afraid to show emotion. And it's a trait that I admire. I can show some emotions, I'm great with happiness and anger, but when I like someone, it's not that easy for me. I can't just say how I feel, or do what I wish I could do. So often there are words I feel perched on the tip of my tongue that no matter what the hell I think to convince myself to say them won't come out. My stomach is so full of swallowed words I am getting sick from it. Do I just want to be with someone who can teach me to be strong in the one way that I'm not? I don't know what I want from you. I don't know what I want to come from all of this. But I do know that I want you because you are someone who can change me. And a change is something I need right now. More than anything.
see you and me have a better time than most can dream
So recently I've been very confused about Ethan and how I feel about him and everything. I mean yeah, he's my boyfriend and I like him but I wasn't sure how much or if I should really even be in a relationship with him this soon. But then today I went to his house for almost 5 hours and we had an amazing time. We spent some time alone in his room, but we also built a fire in his backyard and roasted marshmallows and made s'mores. And I had the best time I've ever had with him. And I realized just how much I like him. How long does it take after you start seeing someone before you start falling in love with them? Because I'm not in love, but I know I definitely could be eventually. With him. I can't get him out of my head, and it's not just the kissing and stuff, I love just listening to him talk and watching him do anything and feeling his arms around me and seeing his smile and hearing his voice and his laugh and just everything about him seems so incredible. It's like when you find a new flavor of something that you've never tasted before. Or maybe you have tasted it, you just didn't realize how wonderful it was until now. And now you crave it constantly and you just can't get enough of it... There's never been anyone in my life I felt this way about, the way I want to know every single thing about him. And how he's completely different than how I thought he was, but in a good way. Like when he says or does little things, I notice them and I just keep being amazed at him and at how real he really is. I know it sounds weird, but until you know someone they don't seem as real. I don't know, I guess I can't describe how I feel about him. I just hope that it lasts. And grows stronger. Because I've never felt something as great as this and nothing has ever made me happier than being with him. I just need the courage to open up and let him in instead of pushing him away like I have every other guy. I really don't think it will be a problem though, especially not after the amazing time we had today :-) Well I guess I should go, goodnight, everyone!
love, me
going back to where i was would just be wrong, i'm pressing on
Wow I haven't written in a while! Well I have a boyfriend now :-) I started hanging out with Ethan, and a few weeks after we started seeing each other he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and of course I said yes. But the thing is, I'm still not sure about this whole thing. Not the fact of him, I like him a lot. It's just... I don't know. He seems like he likes me a lot. Like a lot. If we hang out, he tells me later that day that he misses me. But is that really what a relationship is like? Are you supposed to miss someone when you're not with them, even if you just saw them an hour or 2 ago? Oh and the other day I was at his house and we were kissing and he said we can't just kiss if we don't want this relationship to be purely physical, but I don't know what else to do. It's just that no one's ever cared for me like this before, I'm just used to being used. And I'm scared he'll just get bored of me like everyone else has. I guess I'm just hesitant to get into something so serious because I know I could get hurt... again. But that's what a relationship is right? Taking the risk that you might get hurt? I just have to be more open I guess. I just always end up either getting hurt or pushing someone away to avoid getting hurt and I really don't want that to happen. I don't know, I don't even know where I'm going with this, I just have a lot that I'm confused about I guess. But I really do like him so I'm sure everything will be fine once I get used to the changes.
something in your eyes makes me want to lose myself
Yesterday we went on a Physics field trip to Kennywood and to a Pirates game, it was tons of fun. None of my friends went so I hung out with Jason and 3 other guys. Me and Jason were together a lot and right now I'm feeling really confused about everything with him. Let me tell the story.... So in the morning I got on the bus and sat down in a seat and I was all by myself. Then Jason got on a few minutes later and he sat with me. On the way to Pittsburgh he had his hand between his and my leg and was kind of rubbing my leg with his thumb. But I didn't want to hold his hand because I didn't want to be really easy for him, I'd rather have him work for me. He's such a player he's used to getting girls to be all over him, I wanted to be different. Anyways, I finally gave in and slipped my hand into his and we started holding hands. It was amazing, I've never been so turned on by just holding hands. I really don't know how to describe it except it was like hand sex, if that makes any sense. Like we were stroking and squeezing and I don't know... it was just really awesome. So I was kind of turned on a lot of the way down, and it was really nice, I haven't been turned on by a guy in a while so I enjoyed it. At the park I had a lot of fun. A lot during the day he would touch me or hold my hand a little and stuff like that, so that was cute. Then we rode this one ride, it's like an inverted ferris wheel. You sit in it and it starts spinning around in a circle like you're on a merry-go-round except you're in a closed car. Then they start turning on their side and the whole wheel tilts until it's vertical. Me and Jason rode that together, I sat in front of him, like in between his legs with my back to him. He had his hands on my hips and I was leaning back against him. When the ride started moving gravity pressed me back into him pretty hard and the motion of the ride rocked us back and forth and it made me think of sex. I was so turned on... We kissed a little on the ride, just a short kiss, but it was still really cute. So the rest of the day in the park was the same, with the touching and stuff. Then at the game I sat beside him and we had a ton of fun. On the bus ride home I sat beside him too. We were holding hands and he had his hoodie on his lap so I started stroking his leg under his hoodie. I really only meant to touch his leg, honestly I had no intentions whatsoever of moving my hand... elsewhere... but as I was stroking his thigh I felt that his pants weren't touching his leg, like there was a space, and I realized he had a boner, and it really turned me on and I just had to touch it... So yeah, I know I'm bad. I moved my hand onto it and started stroking it and then he moved his hand onto mine and squeezed my fingers around it and I was so turned on I thought I would explode. So with his hand on mine I moved it up and down and sort of squeezed at times and then he moved my hand off of it and kind of shifted his position and I'm pretty sure he just didn't want to come. Because that would have been messy and embarrassing. So we just held hands and I kind of dozed off for a little. Then we were both awake later and he put his arm around me and pulled me into him and let's see if I can describe it. I was on his left side and he had his left arm around me on my hip. My knees were on the seat in front of me and my head was on his shoulder/chest. I was holding his right hand with one of my hands, sometimes it switched. Then I moved my right hand back onto his leg and moved it down to his penis again, and I felt him go hard right under my hand. I almost lost control, it was so hot. So I just started doing what I was doing before, pretty much giving him a hand job through his jeans. And it was so awesome because I had my head on his chest with my eyes closed, so to anyone else it looked like we were just sleeping. Which is funny. So yeah, then he had to move my hand away again and he shifted and then he put on his hoodie and when he moved it off his lap I could totally see his boner, it was funny. The rest of the ride home we were good though. When we got back to the school he and I walked back to the parking lot and he gave me a hug goodbye and said he'd talk to me later. But the way he said it wasn't like people normally say it, it actually sounded like when people have something they want to talk to you about. But I haven't talked to him at all today so I don't know. Oh well, I'm not even really sure if I want to talk to him. When I was driving home all I could think was, "I feel like such a whore" and I still sort of feel that way. I still haven't told Kathryn anything and I really don't think I'm going to. She'd be really mad I think. So yeah, that was it. I don't know whether I like him or not, but I don't think I do. I think it's mainly physical. As of right now, all I want to do is make out with him.We haven't really kissed very much and I think it would be a lot of fun. He's probably an amazing kisser and I can't wait to find out. And I know I will, there's no way this thing is over. Oh well, we'll see what happens. Well, night everyone!
♥me
it's up to you, now make your move
Ugh, Jason wants to "hang out" whatever that means. Knowing him it translates to "make out and then not talk ever again" lol. But yeah, he texts me today and is like "So i had a lot of fun with you on saturday. If it were up to me i'd say we should hang out sometime. What do you think?" and I just replied that we would hang out on friday and after that we'd see. Honestly, I don't know what to do. I like the attention, and I really like kissing guys, but I'm not sure how much of a mistake this would be. I don't like him, but what if I start liking him? And if Kathryn ever finds out she'll be so mad at me... oh well, I guess I'll just play it by ear and see what happens. Although, knowing me and knowing him... a lot could happen....
you hope that your senses aren't failing you now, but they're slipping away...
So yesterday was Prom. I really love the dress I wore, it was black with light blue flowers, like a line of them going down the left side of it. I had my hair done up, it was like twisted on top and then the back was all pinned up and in curls and there were little wispy curls on the side of my face. It was nice. So I went to my friend's house and we did our makeup and nails and stuff and got ready, then the guys picked us up. Well we took pictures first, then left. There were 6 of us, me and my date, my best friend and her boyfriend, and then 2 other girls. We were originally going to go to Olive Garden for dinner but the wait was like an hour and a half so we went to Max and Erma's instead. It was nice, I got cajun shrimp with pasta and it was so good! lol I love shrimp and pasta :-) So then it was like 8:30 (Prom officially started at 8 but of course we had to be fashionably late) and we were getting ready to leave when my best friend got her period. Isn't that awful?! What a horrible day to get your period! And she had a cream colored dress on, too. Luckily my other friend had one of those Tide stain pens so we got the spot out of her dress. So we ended up getting to Prom at about 9. There were a lot of people there already. Ok, so my date basically left me right when we got in there and didn't talk to me the rest of the night. Isn't that ridiculous? Yeah so i was dancing with other guys, but I think that just made him mad. Oh well, not my fault. So anyways, I danced with Ethan a little bit, which was fun. Also, I was really bad and I danced with Jason, who's this guy my one friend Kathryn used to fool around with a lot. And she liked him for a while, but she said she doesn't anymore and she took a different guy to Prom anyways. But yeah, Jason came over and I was upset about Jared so I let him dance with me and we were grinding pretty... well I don't know the adjective. Pretty hard core lol. We actually danced together for a lot of the dance. At one point I was face to face grinding with Jason and Ethan was behind me, my back to his stomach grinding. It was awesome! lol. Anyways, then after Prom we went to my one friend Allie's house. She had a huge party, there were like 30 people there. So Jason was there and he kept like touching me and rubbing my back and just stuff like that. I wasn't sure how to react because I felt bad about Kathryn, but she wasn't there so I didn't feel like horrible. But Adrienne was there and she kept like being mean to me about it and giving me this look every time he touched me. But that all just made me mad, and it made me want to touch him more. So I was kind of like laying on him at the top of the steps and he was sort of trying to get me to kiss him but I didn't, mostly because it was in the light and I didn't want anyone to see. Then he left and Ethan came over and I was laying on him for a little bit... lol, yeah, I'm bad. Then the boys were going to leave and I stood up and hugged Ethan, then I saw Jason go into this one room and it was dark so I followed him in and asked what he was doing and he said he was making sure he didn't forget anything. Then I put my arms around him and we hugged and then he kissed me... It was a nice kiss, just a lingering lip kiss. Then we broke away, then we kissed again, a little longer this time, but still just lips. Then he walked out of the room, then a few seconds later I went out. It was really late at night, it was like 3:30 in the morning, so I didn't really process what had just happened, but now I kind of feel bad about it. Because of Kathryn. But I told him not to tell anyone and he said ok. And I only told Adrienne, and I don't plan on telling anyone else. And I know she won't tell anyone. But yeah, this Friday we're going on a trip to Kennywood, and then to a Pirates game. It's a field trip for Physics students, and he and I are both going. I'm not really sure what will happen.... or even what I want to happen. But Adrienne and Kathryn both won't be there. Oh, but guess who will be? Steve. *sighs* what complicated situations I get myself into. Oh, Steve didn't go to Prom. I was upset. Well, my parents are yelling at me to get off, I'll finish up later.
I'd rather forget and not slow down...